Eroticism And Intimacy

Hily Dating App
6 min readJun 4, 2018

How To Merge The Two In A Long Term Relationship

So many couples battle with the idea of sexual eroticism and emotional intimacy after they have been together for an extended period of time. It is simple in the being to be a sexual being and lust after one another because you are in the honeymoon phase where everything is exciting, fresh and new. Once your relationship is considered “long term” a stale feeling may begin to linger in the bedroom. You are emotionally close and intimate but when it comes to eroticism and sexual needs, you feel it is lacking. In order to have a successful combination of the two you need to try hard to have both, it will not just happen because there is a natural decline with eroticism as the relationship grows and flourishes in other ways.


Definition of eroticism (Source: Merriam Webster Dictionary)

1 : an erotic theme or quality

2 : a state of sexual arousal

3 : insistent sexual impulse or desire

The need and pleasure you want to feel when you are having sex with your partner is eroticism. It could be kinks, fantasies, and playfulness. Some refer to this as “porn sex” because it is not just missionary position on Saturday night sex like most couples encounter after years of stale bedroom play. You would think the longer you are dating someone the more comfortable you would become in the bedroom with them but that is just simply not the case. Society does not equate love with eroticism which therein lies the problem couples have in combining the two. It is a taboo to bring something erotic into the bedroom because it reveals a lack of respect for your partner. The closer you become as a couple the less fun you are “allowed” to have in the bedroom. If anything it should be the opposite. The more intimate and emotionally comfortable you become with your partner the more comfortable you should be asking to indulge in fantasy and playfulness.


Definition of intimacy (Source: Merriam Webster Dictionary)

1: the state of being intimate : familiarity

2 : something of a personal or private nature

Intimacy is the natural direction that a long term relationship progresses towards. Intimacy is the emotional closeness in which a relationship has. Rather than a sexual closeness and understanding such as eroticism. This is not to say that sex isn’t good, intimacy makes room for great sex in long term couples, it is just different than fantasy sex as mentioned above. So how does a couple make a healthy combination of the two? Both having eroticism and intimacy without losing trust or faith in the relationship itself? Let’s find out!

Why Does This Happen?

The issues that long term couples experience when trying to combine eroticism and intimacy can be broken down into a few simple statements:

  • Your priorities have shifted, there is less focus on the sexual part of your relationship because other responsibilities have arisen such as: house care, children, etc.
  • You are terrified of exploring sexually with your partner because you are convinced the “honeymoon phase” is over and that ship has sailed so you must settle for what you have.
  • You don’t know how to be erotic. Fear has taken over and you no longer understand how to express yourself and be vulnerable in the bedroom.
  • Orgasm, what orgasm? You have become compliant in the bedroom and if you find yourself without a climax it is just fine and you try no further to get off.
  • Over the years you have become self-conscious and have a lack of self-esteem
  • You don’t understand how to be erotic with someone you love, only those you do not have a deep connection with.

Take a second and reflect on all of these points. If any or all apply to you in your relationship, don’t lose hope. You CAN have eroticism with intimacy in a long term relationship, there are just steps you need to take in order to engage so that both you and your partner are satisfied and comfortable both inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

“Well to get started, please take a deep breath and kindly reassure yourself that not anything is unsuitable with you and mixing sexual eroticism and emotional intimacy can also be difficult for many folks, merely as a result of intercourse and feelings are complicated. It’s tough to give all of our susceptible items of yourself to one particular person. It’s can also be frightening!” -admin, blogger

Steps You Can Take To Become More Erotic

Relationships are WORK, you cannot simply just exist with one another and expect to be happy and satisfied on all sides. You need to put in the extra work to both satisfy yourself and your partner because a relationship is so much more than just coexisting with your spouse.

  1. What does it mean to be “sexual” to you?

Is it just the act itself or is it a way of being. Try to be a sexual being for your spouse outside of the bedroom to grow lust in his loins like you did years before.

2. Do I perform alright?

Take a look at your bedroom performance, are you good? Talk with your spouse to see where you can improve or what pleases them.

3. Do I even know what I like sexually?

Do some self exploration on what you desire and what makes you feel good. You may be pleasantly surprised what you can discover.

4. What are my insecurities or fears in the bedroom?

5. Do I feel emotionally intimate with my spouse when we have intercourse?

6. Does intercourse make me feel uncomfortable?

Take time to answer these questions with yourself as well as with your spouse. Compare answers and explain to one another why you answered in the way you did. What changed in your relationship that made his vixen become a docile fawn? Or were you always uncomfortable with sex from the get go. Have an open conversation with your spouse to learn and grow together.

“Once you get started working out your self higher, you’ll have extra perception as to the private setbacks you might have and what path you’ll pass to get started exploring the emergence of eroticism and intimacy for your courting. Ultimately, what this all come down to without reference to your personal private insecurities, fears and/or ideals, is vulnerability.”-admin, blogger

Importance of Vulnerability

To be vulnerable in a relationship is not to show weakness, but it is to show openness. An openness to change and possibility. Shutting out opportunities is what could be hindering your eroticism and intimacy compilation in your relationship. Love is full of paradoxical situations and intimacy and eroticism is one of them.

“There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love,” the great humanistic philosopher and psychologist Erich Fromm wrote in his 1965 classic on mastering the art of loving. One chief reason we flounder in this supreme human aspiration is our unwillingness to accept the paradoxes of love.” — Maria Popova, blogger

You must live within the love paradox rather than succumbing to the pressure of separation and a mundane sex life. Love is who we are and to create love is a metaphor for what we value and cherish in life each and everyday. Love takes imagination, and sometimes we lose that sense of wonder when we grow up. Love and relationships take on a serious mold and we feel the need to comply. Look at your partner and lay with them, ASK them what satisfies them and if they do not know, then discover that together. Trying new things in bed with reignite the lust you once had for one another a time ago. You should also do a bit of self exploration to understand what you like so you can articulate this to your spouse as well.

Take a look at your relationship a remember that each day is a new beginning, love is a journey and you must take it one day at a time. Take the time to understand one another and learn something new about your sexual desires. Do not fear, and do not give up simply because you have been together for a long period of time. Make the effort and your love will flourish.



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