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What If “Being Yourself” Isn’t Enough

Advice For The Lonely Hearts That Still Cannot Find Someone

If you look back at all the dating advice you have been given over the years, the one tip that stands out always seems to be, “just be yourself.” What does that even mean? “Just be yourself.” Part of dating is discovering your likes and dislikes in a person as well as in life. You are building your true self when you find out all of these new things about yourself on your dating journey. Then how can “being yourself’’ attract the potential love of your life if you don’t even know who your true self is? I suppose what they mean is just doing activities you love, eating at places you like and then love will find its way into your life. BUT, what happens when “being yourself isn’t enough? What happens when you ARE being yourself and a year passes, with nothing. Does that mean you should change? Go into dating witness protection? Let’s find out.

“When you are yourself regardless of what the world thinks of you and regardless of what you do, you will be able to be truly free.” — Lukas Schwekendiek, Life Coach, Speaker, Writer

Although being your true self brings you freedom, it may not lead you down the road to love like you want. Because your journey isn’t ready to add someone to your life, even though your biological clock maybe ready to meet someone. Are we going against the grain of time by feeling like our fate isn’t being lived out correctly? If living your true self life and being yourself isn’t finding you love then maybe it is time to mix things up. No, don’t change your name, career, and eye color, but maybe you can mix up your routine a bit to meet some other people that could be potential suitors.

What Are Other Options?

  • Change Your Routine

One of the many reasons that you may not be meeting anyone is that you may be trapped in a routine that is free of new opportunities. We can get so focused on our day to day life that we fail to see the pockets in our day that can be filled with opportunity for growth. Let’s say you stop at your local coffee shop before work every morning. Instead of hitting the drive thru in a rush, take an extra ten minutes to go in, sit down and have your coffee within the shop itself. Alter part of your morning to make time for change. Your soulmate could be getting coffee in the same shop you do each morning, you just miss each other because your routines have the tiniest bit of difference. Making a quick and small change to your routine such as this can open you up to meet more people while you are still doing something that the real you would do. So take the extra time in the morning to get your coffee or your breakfast and meet a few new fresh faces. You may not find love but if you do, it will be worth the shot!

  • Eat At Different Locations

This tip also kind of follows the one above with changing your routine. Chose a new location to eat at. Somewhere that is a little out of your zone or radius of restaurants. Make the extra trip to move a town over or even just going to a restaurant rather than ordering in or making it at home. There is some peace in eating out at a restaurant by yourself. Show up for a table for one and who knows what could happen. You are creating a vulnerable situation for yourself that is new and open. This is a simple change in your routine that can alter your views enough to meet someone new at the local eatery. You are not changing who you are, you are just changing what you do. Your personality does not have to change just because you are eating at a restaurant instead of eating alone sulking in your loneliness. This is one of the many options you have when “being yourself” is not enough to meet someone. Mix up your routine, and change the location of where you eat to broaden your scope of possible matches!

  • Try Something New Once A Week

No, I am not telling you to go to singles events at your local church or to go skydiving when you would never do something like that. Just take time once a week to do something new that you don’t normally have in your daily rotation. Maybe get a glass of wine with friends at a local wine bar, join up at a yoga in the park on a Saturday morning, or even just go to the library and walk around to check out the new releases. Doing something new each week does not have to create a huge disturbance in your persona it just needs to open you up a bit more than you normally would be. Trying something new once a week is a doable additive to your life that will not change who you are or what you believe in anyway. If anything you will learn something new and make a friend or lover in the interim.

  • Admit This Is Not “YOU”

Let’s say you make a date after doing one of the three suggestions above. Admitting that you would not have normally done something like that or the fact that you changed your routine that day or tried something new is important. Admit that this is not you, being yourself. Yes, it is still YOU but you deliberately changed something about your day to meet this person. Your date will appreciate your honesty and may even enjoy the fact that you are willing to change a bit for the right person. You can be yourself while still growing and changing with another person. Flexibility is important in a relationship and so is honesty.

Should You Change Your Behavior?

Define behavior? Well, behavior is,

“the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others.” -Dictionary

I suppose before you change your behavior or think of changing your behavior you must decide what your behavior even is. Are you kind to those in need? Do you hold the door open for people? Do you litter? Do you smile at strangers or look at their feet? You must first see what kind of behaviors you have before you can change them.

How can you track this? Ask a friend about what some of the mannerisms are that you possess. You may have RBF (resting bitch face) and not realize it. If you are giving everyone the stink eye all the time, you may not seem friendly at all. Focus on that behavior for a week and see if anything changes. If you come off pissy and unapproachable then people will treat you as such. In order to meet people you should display behavior that is welcoming and pleasant to be around.

“Being yourself” is not something that you can do on command, because you obviously have no idea how you behave when you don’t think about how you behave!

“Try this instead: The whole point of going on a date is to get to know someone else, not to think about you. So instead of thinking about how you are behaving and trying to make sure that you are “being yourself,” address your attention to the other person, and the situation you are in.” — Linnea Molander, blogger, writer

Another behavioral change you can make can be something little as making sure that you open the door for people or hold the elevator. Don’t just hit the “door close” button every time you enter the elevator. You are literally shutting people out and when you change that you may be open to meeting new people. You may think you are just being yourself but sometimes that is not enough and you need to go the extra mile to be friendly and open to others in order to meet someone. Doing the same thing every day and expecting different outcomes is literally the definition of insanity. Don’t be an insane person.

Just remember to keep a positive attitude, become self aware, and applaud your progress.

Happy Dating!

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